Dirk Hardbones Goes Back to the Future
by Breeker Dude
Summary: AU. Marty McFly leaves something unaccomplished. There's only one man with bones hard enough to save the day.


Dirk Hardbones crumpled the picture in his hand. It was useless to him. Dirk tossed it out the window of the DeLorean as he drove and it through the Fourth Dimension and it turned black from the fires of Paradox. Dirk smirked. Pictures were the artifacts of weaklings, like the McFly dweeb whose existence Dirk had come back to rearrange.

Dirk Hardbones remembers the contract perfectly. He was sitting in Waffle House, eating a steak with his hands. Some sauce got on his fingers. A dweebazoid and his sexy-girlfriend passed Dirk, and Dirk wiped his hand off on the girl and locked the poindexter in a tight embrace. Dirk breathed the mountain dew vapors from his mouth, and jackhammered him with love-thrustings. "This is what you want, ain't it?" Dirk growled. "You want Dirk Hardbones to make you his dweeby little man." Dirk squeezed his prey's arms. The spectacled fellow squeaked.

"I'm... I'm Superman," he said. "Not just... not just some nerdboy. I have powers, and... and strength!"

Dirk Hardbones growled. "Then Dirk Hardbones has no use for you," and so Dirk Hardbones made sweet love to Superman's face, shattering it. Lois Lane died of horror. Women cannot endure the Hardbones.

That was when he walked into Dirk Hardbones's life. He had legs that went up to tinsel town and breath that smelled like cherries. His hair shone like the twitterings of mandolins and he leaned in close to Dirk and whispered, "Great Scott!" He was panicked. "Dirk Hardbones! You're the only Dirk with bones hard enough to get me out of this crazy predicament!"

"What's at stake, Doc?" Dirk Hardbones asked.

"The entire Universe!" Doc Brown replied. Dirk looked outside. The Universe _was_ exploding…

"The time-stream needs a kick in the ass. Dirk Hardbones approves," Dirk Hardbones said, approvingly. He stroked Doc Brown's chin. "But how does Dirk Hardbones do it?"

Doc stammered, overcome with scientific arousal. He likes Dirk Hardbones's-Hardbones'? He likes my fingers, dammit. (Oh yes he does.)

Doc explained between thrusts that some Time-jaunting pussbasket by the name of McFly had accidentally undone himself by doing his mom back in 1955. He handed Dirk Hardbones the empty photograph and the keys of the Delorean as evidence. Dirk Hardbones then blew his manly load, and the Doc laughed with rapture so it came out his nose. Dirk Hardbones left him, curled and coy on the floor of the Waffle House. Dirk Hardbones had a job to do.

Which was how he found himself here, in 1955, making everything else that had happened to Dirk Hardbones technically future-tense. That hurts Dirk Hardbones's... that hurts the brain of Dirk Hardbones. Hurts it hard. Dirk Hardbones admires something that can hurt him. He can love two things in this world: an asteroid, and the tender buttocks of a nerdboy that needs Dirk Hardbones to complete him. Oh, oh yes.

When Dirk Hardbones stepped out of the Delorean, he saw that the ground was littered with dead Marty McFlies- the quantum detritus of the Doc's previous attempts to save the boy's life across scattered timelines. A startled farmer and his family screamed, something about spacemen and trees. He shot his old-timey musket or whatever at Dirk Hardbones's,faldf,a at the buttery slate Dirk Hardbones called his pecks, and the shot went wild, slaying a few Marty McFlies who were bleeding to death, but not yet finished.

Dirk shook his head. "You shouldn't have done that," he said. "Not to Dirk Hardbones."

"What's a Dirk Hardbones?" the old timester asked. He had wet himself.

"DIRK HARDBONES IS DIRK HARDBONES!" Dirk Hardbones hardbonesed. So Hardbones! Dirk picked up a handful of Marty Mcflies, taking a moment to note the boy's putty-consistency in his hands. It was either the natural tenderness of a Parkinson's-riddled corpse, or the dissolving of the flesh that came naturally to chrono-rejects. In either case, it gave Dirk Hardbones a brief thrill as he crammed it in the Farmer's mouth until it seeped out of his eyeballs.

Then he ate the farmer's family.

With a heart full of rage and a gut full of children, Dirk Hardbones waded through the sea of Marty McFlies. They piled around his knees as he walked, and by the time he arrived in town he stood atop a tower of corpses. The people belowed stared like those monkeys in 2001: A Space Oddessyeus. Dirk Hardbones surfed down the pile of McFlies, and they plopped messily to the sides as he created a crator with his righteous impact.

Biff came out, his clothes covered in manure and his face stained red with retard-confusion. "McFly!" he shouted, and he began to pummel the fallen, mutated Marties, their heads exploding with the impacts of his ropy man-talons. "Biff! Biff! Biff!" Biff yelled over and over again. Dirk Hardbones would have none of that. He embraced Biff and then decapitated him disdanefully with his Hardbones thighs. He then shoved his face through Biff's neck-hole to gain his knowledge. Dirk Hardbones strained his brainmeat until it ate Biff's brainmeat and their brain was double-meaty, double good. Dirk Biff Hardbones knew where he had to go now. There was a dance under the sea.

Dirk Biff Hardbones Dirkbiffed his way to the school, passing a clock-tower on which three charred McFlies were shishkabobbed and sizzly. "Save us, Dirk Biff Hardbones," they wimpered. Dirk Biff Hardbones blew them a kiss. It tasted of manure.

When Dirk Biff Hardbones found himself at the dance, he spat out Biff's brainmeat and once again he was Dirk Hardbones, pure with goodness. And he had brought a gun. He walked through the wall of the auditorium, not knowing where the door was, and as the people panicked and the man with the broken hand sang "Earth Angel"- a dead Marty McFly skewered on his own electric guitar in the background- the bricks crumbled and exploded and Dirk Hardbones saw them, on the auditorium floor, mourning the McFly boy.

"Oh, Calvin..." Lorraine said. Dirk Hardbones pointed his gun at her, and then he pointed his wand at George "Crispin Glover" Mcfly.

"Dirk Hardbones commands you both to do it." They looked at him blankly. Dirk Hardbones grit his teeth, and a passer-by caught fire.

"Dirk Hardbones says, take off your pants, and put your genitalia inside each other, and make a goddamn baby." They wimpered. George Crispin Glover McWillard reached for a diseased condom but Dirk Hardbones used his wand to turn his hand and the condom into a pile of angry dust. The wimpers turned to tears. They motioned back and forth, not looking one another in the eye, until the deed was done. They covered their shame.

Dirk Hardbones pulled the photograph from the hand of the McFly who was skewered on the guitar. Some girl in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt had materialized. Dirk Hardbones rolled his eyes. "Dirk Hardbones will be back in ten months," he said. He kicked the angry dust of George McCrispy's hand into Lorraine's eyes, and went outside to have a nice day.


End file.
